Conrad Hees’ Blog

We all know the type of people who walk into a room and instantly raise the energy level. They get people talking and laughing, make others smile, and can easily get people to open up. These people are uplifting wherever they go, and always seem to get a great response from others, even people they barely know.

Conversely, we all know a person who can dampen others’ spirits just by being around them. When they enter a room, people clam up, become quiet and defensive, or are scared to speak for fear of criticism or ridicule. These people have few close friends, and are actually avoided by others because of their judgemental, gloomy, or aggressive demeanor.

Oftentimes, these two very opposite types of people are actually not very different at all. The main difference between them is often that the former understands a key rule in self-marketing, and the latter suffers because of ignorance of the same key rule. In this article, I will explain the vital self-marketing principle that I am referring to, and I will outline the three main ways that you can immediately work this law to your advantage in your professional and personal lives.

Sources of Energy

The powerful principle of self-marketing that I have been referring to is simple and obvious, yet widely overlooked by the average person. It is the principle of being a source of positivity or negativity to the people around you. This principle is vital to understand because the way people interact with you is determined by whether they see you as a source of positivity or negativity.

The principle explained is simply this: In a person’s mind, unless they know you well, you can only be seen in one light; that is, they cannot view you as both positive and negative, only one or the other. Once they determine whether you are a source of negativity or positivity to them, they then determine the way that they will interact with you based on their assumption. This affects every single interaction that you will have with others, which in turn, affects pretty much every aspect of your life, from your money to your sex life. Sound important? Good, because it is.

So, have you thought lately about whether you are viewed as a source of positivity or negativity?

Are You ‘That Guy’?

Once you begin to pay attention to it, it is relatively easy to tell whether you are viewed as a source of positivity or negativity by those around you. Do people tell you their secrets, or do they avoid anything other than light chit chat? Do they share their feelings with you? When you walk into a room with a few people talking, do they include you in the conversation, or do they clam up?

Generally, the main way to tell if you are viewed as a positive or a negative person is to gauge how much people open up to you and are willing to let you into their personal lives.People are always willing to open up to a person who is a source of positivity because they expect to receive positive reinforcement, encouragement, and interest in their life and ideas. Who doesn’t like those things?

Conversely, people will often clam up around a person who is a source of negativity, avoid conversation, and especially avoid any talk about themselves or their life. This is because they expect to hear criticism, judgement, ridicule, guilt trips, or other unpleasant opinions from the negative person.

So, if you would like to know how much others view you as a source of positivity or negativity, look no further than how much others confide in and share their feelings, ideas, and emotions with you.

No Harm, No Foul?

So, after considering this idea, do you realize that you have unwittingly allowed yourself to become a source of negativity to those around you?

Often, people will be viewed as a negative or positive source differently by different people in their lives, usually based on their relationship to the person in question. For instance, a man may be a great source of positivity to his friends, and be well loved by them, but a great source of negativity to his children, who may have grown to fear his harsh criticism or judgement.

Closely examine your relationships with the most important people in your life. Have you felt a distance between yourself and any of your loved ones recently? Often, this can be directly related to not taking care to be mindful of a persons’ needs and feelings, and thus, you gradually are becoming a source of negativity to that person.

It is imperative that if you see yourself becoming a source of negativity to your loved ones, or if they are becoming a negative source to you, that you immediately address the issue and resolve it. This is because if a person becomes a negative source for too long, he will cement that position in the eyes of others, and it will be incredibly difficult for him to repair the damage to the relationship.

We all must assess our positions in our relationships from time to time, and make necessary adjustments to ensure that we are in good standing with the people we care about. Just recently, I had realized that my girlfriend, Lori, and I were fighting alot, and falling into a negative rut. I had begun to see the signs that she was being less open with me, and withdrawing from me a bit. This signaled to me that I was in danger of becoming a source of negativity to the most important person in my life.

Rather than ignore the problem, or deny that it was my fault (which is what most people do, a big reason why the vast majority of people say that they are unhappy in their relationships), I had to assess the situation, and be honest with myself. I realized that I was being overly judgemental, demanding, and critical of her. In short, rather than the usual positive feedback that I usually gave her, I had begun to give her more and more negative feedback, which was the reason that she was withdrawing from me. I was being a source of negativity to her.

I recognized what I was doing wrong, and immediately made a decision to change my behavior. I decided that I would not say anything to her, anything at all, unless it was positive. I quickly shifted the feedback I gave her from negative to positive. I began to reestablish myself as a source of positivity to her.

The result? Within a day or two, I could sense her coming back to me. She began to talk more freely to me, open up to me, and give me back the same positivity that I was giving her. After only a few short days, we were getting along again and fully in love, as if nothing had ever happened.

Do not let yourself become a negative source to your loved ones; if you damage the relationship forever, you will never forgive yourself. Stay alert to negative patterns, and address issues as they arise.

4 Ways to Be a Source of Positivity and Keep Them Coming Back

By now, you probably get the point that we all must establish ourselves as positive people in the eyes of others. So, how do we go about accomplishing this? It is actually very simple, and you can create a positive perception of yourself in others by doing a few simple things in your everyday interactions with people.

Here, I will outline a few simple techniques that are guaranteed to establish you as a source of positivity.

1) BE AGREEABLE

Being an agreeable person is one of the most vital steps in establishing yourself as a source of positivity to others. Being agreeable simply means to make a conscious effort to keep your conversations positive, avoid any kind of disagreements, competition, or judgement, and generally stay ‘in harmony’ with the person you are talking to.

I am a strong believer that one of the most important things to remember when it comes to being agreeable is this:

Nobody cares what you think!

That’s right! Nobody wants to hear your negative opinions on their life, their relationships, their jobs, or anything of a personal nature to them. The only thing that people really want to hear from you is positive reinforcement. They are going to do what they want anyway, and if they want advice, they’ll ask you for it.

Too often, a person rubs others the wrong way and develops a reputation for being a source of negativity to others by thinking that they must give others their opinions on everything, which are all to often negative.

Even worse, are those who feel the need to contradict others for no reason, no matter what. I know people who you could tell that you are doing all kinds of positive things with your life, and they will pick you apart for it, criticize you, tell you why it can’t be done, and generally undermine you. I try to be the opposite; it doesn’t matter what the hell you tell me you are doing with yourself, I will tell you it’s great, and give you a little encouragement to boot.

For example:

Acquaintance: Hey man, I just started this new job.

Me: Oh yeah, that’s great! Tell me about it!

Acquaintance: Well, it’s my job to do nothing but change dirty diapers in the nursery all day long.

Me: That’s cool! It must be fun working with all those cute little babies!

Acquaintance: Actually, it’s kind of a crappy job. (pun intended :))

Me: But I’m sure that you feel good about helping all those babies and doing a tough, but necessary job, right?

Acquaintance: Yeah, I guess it’s not so bad. (Walks away smiling)

You see, even if someone tells you something bad, you must forgo giving your unwanted opinion, and make that person feel good. That is what being a source of positivity is all about; making others feel good about themselves, and as a result, making them feel good about you. This is an absolutely vital part of self-marketing, and cannot be stated enough.

Of course, this principal really applies to those that you do not know very well or that you must stay on the good side of, but generally, this applies to all relationships, just in varying degrees of importance.

So, in summary, the key to being an agreeable person is to not give any negative opinions on pretty much anything, other than an outside source that the other person will agree with you on. Be encouraging, be positive, and avoid any turn of the conversation that will lead to an argument or a disagreement.

If there are any differences in opinion between you and the other person, let them be and do not get into a discussion. Remember, smart self-marketing and being a source of positivity to others is about making people like and trust you, not being right, giving unsolicited opinions, or exerting some kind of fake dominance over the conversation.

2) Be interested in others and LET THEM TALK!

This is undoubtedly the number one mistake that people make in their social interactions.

I am amazed at the vast majority of people that either rarely ask others about themselves, their opinions, or their lives, and even more amazed at the number of people who don’t even pretend to be interested in what others have to say!

The key to being more likable, being a source of positivity, and having more friends, is to ask people about themselves repeatedly throughout your conversations. When you do this, you are taking advantage of one of the cardinal rules of communication and relationships: nobody cares what you think! People are much more interested in talking about themselves and their own lives, than hearing you talk about yours. This may be depressing news for some, but if you want to get satisfaction from talking about yourself, go ahead, but don’t expect people to want to listen for too long. If you want to gain friends and allies, let others talk.

People love to talk about themselves and their lives, but are all too often engaged in competition with others who love to talk about themselves. You want to set yourself apart and do the opposite: you want to allow the person you are speaking with to indulge their innate desire to speak about themselves, thereby making them feel good, thereby being a source of positivity to them.

When speaking with acquaintances or ‘loose friends’, I almost always ask them about themselves, wait for their response, and them look for a way that I can positively reinforce their feelings. This is a surefire way to make them feel good about themselves and keep them coming back for more.

It is important that you talk about yourself a little bit also, and to talk about your experiences and opinions, because you do not want to give the impression that you do not value your own opinions or have no self-worth. You will find your own balance with this principle, as it is not hard to learn. Just remember to keep the conversation tilted in the other person’s favor, while adding value to the conversation as well. Remember, smart self-marketing is about making others like you and respect you, not using conversation as a platform to indulge your desire to speak about yourself.

3) GO THE EXTRA MILE FOR PEOPLE

Nowadays, people treat each other so badly, and have such a disregard for other people’s feelings, that if you simply treat people well, you will stand out in their minds and set yourself apart from the crowd. People will become willing to help you in innumerable ways, and will reflect your good treatment back upon you.

There are a few simple ways that you can go the ‘extra mile’ in your interactions with others. A few of them are:

• Look people in the eye the entire time you speak with them
• Every single time they pause during speaking, affirm that you are paying attention by giving them an ‘a-huh’ or a headnod, anything that acknowledges what they have said
• Be polite!
• Do not interrupt or interject
• Give them the responses that they desire. If they make a joke, laugh. If they say something they think is interesting, appear interested. Give people what they want in the conversation, regardless of whether or not you actually feel that way.

I cannot stand it when I am speaking with someone and they do not respond, or if they cannot even pretend to be interested. Most people hate this as well, and yet a great majority of people do it on a regular basis! If someone is boring you in conversation, appear interested until you get a chance to change the subject, and then make your move. Do not act indifferent or show that you are disinterested; the other person will sense your disinterest, and be much less likely to speak with you in the future.

Being a source of positivity is all about making people feel good about themselves during and after they speak with you, so that you leave a lasting impression on them and win their favor. Good conversation etiquette is a big part of making that positive impact.

And finally, the last tip to ensure that nobody thinks of you as ‘that guy’…..

4) NEVER CRITICIZE OR PICK ON OTHERS!

This one is simple, right? Or so it seems. All of us like to indulge in a little unnecessary criticism every now and again. That’s okay sometimes, but if you are in the habit of picking on people for fun, singling the weak one in the group out for cheap laughs, or just being plain mean sometimes, DON’T think that nobody notices or cares. Trust me, they do.

Even if you are picking on your friends and everybody is laughing along, internally they are labeling you as ‘that guy’ in the group that everyone must be wary of. Even your closest friends will be more guarded and cautious around you, for fear that they may be your next target. You can imagine how quickly this can damage your relationships.

Remember, there is only one clear law of getting people to view you in a positive light: only allow positive interactions with others to occur. Basically, if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all!

Enjoy the Limelight of Perceived Positivity

Becoming a source of positivity to those around you is one of the most important things that you can do to improve your social standing, your professional life, and even your lovelife. By creating a positive perception of yourself in others, opportunities will arise, your relationships will improve, and in general your life will improve.

Making an effort to be a source of positivity has improved my life in many different ways, and continues to be one of the most valuable habits that I have developed in my life.

I believe that if you follow these four principles I have outlined in this post, your life will improve as well. Please leave a comment and share your take on being a source of positivity to those around you, and how you try to live this principle in your daily life. We’d all love to hear from you!